Let's begin by looking at the people you associate with. Are they mean, toxic, petty people who are also putting others down? Do they strive to achieve the best possible outcome for whatever they do or are they lazy, selfish, and always complaining?
I don't want to associate with people who are always happy and excited and full of life. That's too much energy for me. But neither do I want to be around people who only make themselves look good by knocking other people down.
The people I call my friends are dependable. If they say they are going to do something, they do it. If they fail to deliver on a promise they own up to that failure and offer amends. They don't just blow off the fact they didn't fulfill their given word. But my friends are not all cut from the same cloth. They are as diverse as the stars in the sky. Some are stronger than others. Some are struggling with life issues. I don't filter people out of my life based on who has the fewest problems.
A friend who is quick to judge others negatively, to condemn them for being different, to become defensive when someone disagrees with them, is likely to treat you that way, too. Your self-esteem helps you regulate your feelings when that behavior occurs. If it happens to you all the time then you probably have low self-esteem. Sometimes we do need to be corrected. We all make mistakes, at every age in life. But if you find you are constantly being corrected it's probably not you, it's probably the people doing the correcting.
Draw boundaries. Self-esteem separates you from the barrage of negative judgment people throw at each other. Many people just toss out insults and insensitive remarks about others without thinking about it. While some of us manage to go through life without being that way, you will find a lot of people are quick to judge.
The first boundary you can draw around yourself is to gently be the devil's advocate. Good people often concede they were being a little too harsh in their quick judgments. Maybe they aren't feeling well. Maybe they are having a bad day. Maybe someone was just rude to them.
Gently balancing the other person's statement helps them regulate their feelings. If that doesn't work, then move on to the next boundary.
The second boundary is to change the subject. If you enjoy being with someone for some reasons, but find their behavior in other areas of life is not good for you, try changing their concentration to a happier topic. When this works you can go forward and enjoy the moment. But it's also important to realize that they are respecting this second boundary by agreeing to change the topic.
The last boundary you can use is to create space between you and that other person. You don't owe it to anyone to stay in a bad situation, whether it is someone yelling at you or someone who is just ruining your day with a constant flow of complaints about life, people, and everything.
There are times when people need to "let off steam", when their anger and frustration rise to a point where they need to vent. Sometimes they can do this alone but it often helps if they have a sympathetic ear to listen to them. We all need to know that someone cares enough to listen to us, and to help us regulate our feelings. But if the venting becomes too much for you, set up that boundary and withdraw from the situation.
Set rules and enforce them. In addition to drawing boundaries, you need to make some rules for yourself. As long as you follow these rules you should be okay in most situations. The fewer rules you have in life the more likely other people will behave badly toward you.
Your self-esteem strengthens your resolve to save money, for example. If you believe you can make a difference in life by setting back a few dollars every week, you'll be more likely to do that. But how do you get there? How do you build up that belief in yourself?
One way I learned to do this was to set some rules for myself. For example, one day (when I was still single) I found myself mopping floors and cleaning carpets in my apartment and thinking, "I really hate doing this." And then I realized that I was the person most likely to bring in all that dirt. Yes, I had company over on occasion, but most of the dirt was mine. So I thought about the Japanese custom of removing one's shoes when entering a home. That really makes sense. You leave all that outside dirt by the door.
After I began removing my shoes by the door I realized I still had to clean floors, but it didn't make sense to wait for the dirt to pile up. So I booked some time every weekend to do the housecleaning that I had put off all week. This was the "down and dirty" list of jobs that kept my place thoroughly clean. I enjoyed coming home to a clean apartment and felt better about myself because I wasn't shirking my responsibility.
Cherish things without shame. When you grow up you no longer want to play with the toys you loved as a child. But that doesn't mean you can't retain fond memories of them. And there is no reason why you cannot cherish new things in your life, either.
Buying a lot of stuff doesn't build up your self-esteem. People who have compulsive buying disorders don't feel satisfied by the things they have. That dissatisfaction may reflect a deeper issue.
What I learned, after cleaning out the house for the billionth time, was that we don't need a lot of stuff. We just need to appreciate the things we have. We get rid of what we don't need, don't want, and don't appreciate. My wife says "we need to find a good home for this" about things that pile up. And she means that. Being environmentally conscious, she doesn't like to throw perfectly good things away just because we no longer need them.
This life lesson came home to me one weekend when she put up a print in our living room. She spent about 30 minutes finding the right spot for it. I asked her why it was there (right over the television set). "Because I want to appreciate it," she told me. There are times when she sits down on the couch to relax and she doesn't turn on the TV. Instead, she just looks at the things she loves and appreciates. They are all around her.
If you love yourself you don't have to shower yourself with gifts. You can also love the gifts you give yourself. That makes them more special, more fulfilling, in my opinion.
I started putting a few things on my desk and my office walls for the same reason. I love antique photographs and I keep a few where I can see them and just love them for a few moments in-between tasks. They help me relax. And they help me remember that who I am is important.
